What to Do with Women

Over the weekend I posted a photo on Instagram stories of me while attending a wedding. I’ve got a lot of thoughts I want to get out while they’re fresh. I haven’t edited this post to make it flow well. I haven’t made sure it’s SEO or whatever -EO formatted. These are just my musings running in a few connected directions, shared here with you. The following is part of what I posted on social media and the rest of what the caption couldn’t fit. I think these thoughts live here better anyhow!

Thank You

First, thank you for all of the kind comments about my outfit for the wedding on the weekend. It was so fun to dress up for a change. I can’t remember the last time I wore a fancy dress and heels (both of which I love but very rarely have the occasion to enjoy).

My next thoughts have nothing to do with travel whatsoever. 

The story I posted with the photo above got the most, if not one of the most, views and reactions of anything I’ve ever posted (including the grey hair yaps which are very close behind). While this is admittedly a lovely little ego boost for the days I’m not feeling great about myself, it made me pause. 

As someone who’s trying to share about travel and chipping slowly at the reach wall, any time I post a complaint or something or about my appearance or content where I look a certain way it gets triple the reach.

Honestly, I would be thrilled not to post more content with me in it. “Look at me in this place” is not the point of what I want to share 97% of the time. It definitely helps the social media algorithms when I do though. It’s like trained and encouraged narcissism, that detracts from more dense and worthwhile imagery and conversations, and, especially as a participant, is very bizarre. It’s a huge part of my struggle and inconsistency with using these platforms.

In addition to these skewed screen situations, a few recent real life moments have resurfaced the frustration I feel for women, including myself, in today’s “modern” society. Our looks and our relationship status are still overvalued and focused on when there is so much more to us as individuals. 

If we haven’t met, I’m Tara.

I’m many things (kind, curious, hardworking, a sibling/aunt/daughter, self-employed, etc…) and I also happen to be in my 30s, single, and without children. I would love a partner to grow and share life with, however there’s a lot to singledom that I enjoy that doesn’t make sense to trade for the sake of being coupled. And, admittedly, there’s not a lineup of options. My DMs are quiet, men in Canada almost never approach in public, and most people my age are married with families so the pool is slim (and short…er than me). I trust that I will meet my person and the timing will work out when it’s supposed to happen. This belief gives me a lot of peace and happiness to enjoy the present. 

Despite my comfort with being single at this stage of life, I am often reminded that society still doesn’t know what to do with single childless women. We don’t fit the prescribed narrative.

Do we pity them? Do we shame them? Do we vilify them? There must be something wrong that they haven’t progressed through life’s milestones. We certainly don’t know how to relate to them or make space for them. We are definitely not celebrating them and their lives in equal measure. 

Over the last week, well-intentioned off-kilter interactions relating to my appearance and relationship status have taken place. I am sharing because I know I’m not the only one with these experiences and they’re worth the conversation space.

Scenario 1:

The neighbour I haven’t seen in almost two decades ended our brief catch-up with, “so you’re not married”. It was both a statement and a question, made (I’m assuming, since I didn’t bring up relationships) by observing my naked finger. How does one respond to that? “No I’m not, and?” What was the point of it? What was implied by it? Also, many married men don’t wear their wedding rings.

Scenario 2:

The comment that it’s time to dye my hair because I’m “too young for greys”. In this person’s defence, I genuinely got a kick out of and laughed at their statement because I know them so well. I am not upset at them. This individual aside, those words represent society’s attitude that women “should” look a certain way. To that nefarious opinion of society at large (not this person specifically), I say kindly F off. People can look however they please at whatever age and stage they’re in and it should be nobody else’s business about whether it’s appropriate or attractive. Do you, boo.

While I have wondered on more than one occasion if the presence of my sparkles put men off or how people perceive their appearance, and thus me as a person, I still like and am keeping them!

Scenario 3:

The supportive comment from someone else that “you’re attractive though so you’ll find someone”. While it was meant as a compliment, it immediately elicits the reactionary thought, “does that mean we believe unattractive people should not expect to find someone?” This is ridiculous on several levels. 

(Ongoing) Scenario 4:

The comments people make time and again that I am obviously single because of my job. Don’t get me started. 

To Wrap Up These Morning Thoughts…

All this to say, women, I see you. I see the ones making the system work for them, whatever that costs them. I see the ones struggling against it and advocating for change. I see the ones just trying to make it through in the least wave-making way possible. I see the men who’re coping on to experiences outside their own and being supportive. I see the little girls growing up and am rooting for you.